lioness in japan

I’ve only been let go once before and it was at my first job at a fashion/interior design magazine. The boutique publishing house (it had only one magazine) collapsed after its second issue, after which the German owner did a runner on all the bills he had to pay. Although I wasn’t paid for my last month there, I found a job a week after my last day at work.

A lot of the bad feelings I harboured happened mostly in the lead up to the official announcement that it was all over. Projects and articles were stalled because of financial problems, which of course angered industry associates and rumours burned our ears. This made marching along extremely difficult and we spent a lot of our time smoking and brooding in the dingy staircase outside the office.

I kept an eye out for other opportunities and mostly I dwelled on feeling like a failure because my first-ever real job out of university was bombing. My self-esteem felt low while the boredom of waiting around for solid updates made me restless.

Obviously that experience is very different from my present situation. There is the waiting bit and worrying about the future that are similar but bigger in scale. With the kangaroo’s company, the internal drama was more complicated and drawn out (it’s still playing out as the business winds down) which is quite depressing to watch.

Your self-esteem would always take a beating no matter what the circumstances are. In my case, I don’t think I’ve had a sustained period of success that had some kind of longevity, but then maybe that’s not a concept worth clinging onto in this day and age. “What am I doing? What can I do? Where am I going?” are questions that plague me. The kangaroo put in a lot more heart and soul into this company so I can only imagine what he is feeling is a hundred times worse than me.

Our friends feel twinges of awkwardness when we joke about being unemployed — that’s the opposite effect I would want I guess. There is so much underlying stress (the present unfolding and the uncertain future) that the only way I would know how to deal with it is not think about it or take it too seriously. I make an effort not to talk about it too much with the kangaroo although I am curious about any minute developments.

I just want to say, it doesn’t feel that bad. The worst is over because the terrible news reached us a few months ago so the shock and anger bits are over. The only frustrating things for now are waiting for the next gig and trying to be prudent financially.

Another fact of life you feel acutely is how little you really need to survive. Perhaps you even become a lot more creative in entertaining and feeding yourself. What makes me think I’m still lucky is the kangaroo and I have each other and that’s a big happiness factor no matter what.

One great thing that has come out of this is how kind our friends have been to us. Be it advice or having a good time hanging out, they are here for us.

How do we make the waiting less torturous? The kangaroo has taken to focus on learning Japanese, job hunting, spending time with friends and gardening. I, on the other hand, am trying to earn bits of money here and there while soldiering on with increasing revenue for my websites.

Like any tragedy happening to your loved ones, it’s okay to talk about it and also fine if you don’t. Life goes on…And it makes me appreciate Tokyo as much as I can while I am still here so you can expect more posts on Japanesey things.

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