The love-cost analysis of a trailing partner relationship

It’s been a while since I wrote something on trailing partner/spouse issues and I’m currently in the thick of a long absence from the kangaroo (seven weeks this time), so it’s probably also the time my mind delves into such things.

I’ve said it several times before that one of the things that trailing partners face is the enormous travel their corporate warrior half has to do. Then, that puts you in a long distance type of situation where you probably communicate more through emails, text messages, and Skype, than in person.

A piece of information culled from a survey about long distance relationships is that it doesn’t feel easier over time. I think the anxiety of parting is much more about the impending loneliness and the feeling of abandonment. I want to stress that this is interesting to know and not necessarily bad. It’s just the way it is and there are strategies to remedy the negative factors.

One outcome of this is that such couples spend more money to maintain a “high quality” relationship. If your opportunity cost is that much greater, wouldn’t you “invest” more to keep things afloat when you are together in the same place?

The National Post’s article, Love-cost analysis, posits some realities quite similar to my experience:

The perks are travelling to exotic locations more often and there are fewer fights. In fact, zero fights. But that doesn’t mean all is rosy, it’s just that, if you know your partner is going to leave in a few days’ time, you wouldn’t want to ruin your precious time together. I’m not saying this with any acidic melancholy — it really means your emotional development as a couple is more stunted than those who are together all the time.

I have no real solution or conclusion to that, except that I enjoy picking apart a babbling stream of thoughts and emotions and trying to make sense of it all.

Anyway, you don’t have to splash out to make it super special. I don’t expect lobster and champagne like what the article says. For example, the kangaroo suggested a hike through the Royal National Park the day before we parted in Sydney and it was truly lovely. Though we were terribly hung over from partying hard over the new year, I’m so glad we peeled ourselves off the bed and climbed into our rented car.

He told me stories about camping over illegally with his friends in this park with music and booze and dancing till dawn. His tiny Toyota at the time also suffered a huge dent in its bottom from falling on a huge rock while ramming through the thick bush. He also pointed out the New South Wales official flower (the one that looks like a toilet brush in the picture above). All in all, it was a lovely walk and I got to know a bit more about the kangaroo’s history.

I think quality time is not so much about being romantic, but I felt we had a nice spate of bonding there. Before I knew it, I was on a plane back to Tokyo.

Honestly, I would rather have a few specks of good moments with the kangaroo than a whole series of dull, mundane ones. Oh, we’re going skiing when he comes back in March — there’s nothing more romantic than lots of snow, cozy heated rooms, and private onsens.

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