How to go with the flow with friendships as an expat
5 Jul
I wanted to write a post on friendship for the longest time but I couldn’t find an angle nor was I sure where I stood in the confusing swirl of relationships in the washing machine of my Tokyo life. And I wanted to be able to say something helpful to those who are flailing in this part of their lives and not some jaded introspective ramble.
But let me preface this by saying I don’t think I’m extremely successful in my social life here but I think I’ve come to some sort of peace and acceptance about the way things are.
I used to feel so upset that I was far away from my dear friends (scattered all over London, New York, and Singapore) and would be frustrated at the lack of meaningful friendships in my current home. Let me just say, it’s really all in the way you perceive things so hear me out…
Change your expectations. I bet you saw this one coming but it is true. You cannot expect to achieve the same level of depth in terms of friendship with people you just met compared to your old friends. You can’t expect to “just click” with people you don’t know. So then, what would you consider “meaningful” in your new context? I can’t spell it out for you as you’ve got to decide what you would accept for yourself. So for me, feelings of bonhomie, being asked out again for another outing, sharing stories and having a laugh are enough to fill the friendship component in my soul — that’s really not too shabby at all.
Spread it out. I think it’s easy to latch onto someone whom you think you like and you keep thinking you could be best pals but I think more and more in adult life, you encounter so many types of people who have different schedules, hobbies, budgets and preferences so one person can never fulfill all of your social needs. That’s why it’s wise to have a few compartments socially — different friends will be your companions for your different interests or needs.
Let it grow naturally. I think I’m not the only one to feel impatient when it comes to friendships — you wished that you could have instant friends who will just go out with you whenever you want, do whatever you like, and listen to you when you are down. In theory we all know that is impossible but it is very very very hard as an expat to get through this period where you are nurturing relationships — you are friendly enough but yet not friendly enough to be yourself 100%. Not all friendships would blossom so to speak despite putting in the effort to interact but some would – just wait and see.
Learn to like your own company. You will spend a lot of time alone, especially in the beginning stage of your expat experience. Even if you are working or have a spouse by your side, it can get lonely when you do not have friends. It just shows the average person needs more than just one person to feel happy and fulfilled. So in the midst of getting to know other people, you should try to appreciate going solo for a while. I’ve gone to movies, bars, restaurants, temples, shops, classes, parties all on my own. It’s not the easiest thing to do and it’s not always peachy but I know I’ve got the confidence to hit up whatever situation by myself. A big smile and a listening ear always pays off in a crowd you don’t know. And for “just-one” moments, simply enjoy the privilege of making your own choices and doing what you want to do with only yourself to cater to.
Always “sniff” the air (refer to my KY post here). It’s hard enough as it is to make great friends back in your own country, but as an expat, you are not only interacting with locals but also other expats from various countries. Basically, try to be more alert to other people’s actions and words so that you won’t offend them. My tip is to err on the side of caution — I think the best way to be is to always be civil and polite, don’t jump the gun, and be warm when it’s called for, or back off when it’s necessary.
Accept the ebb and flow of people coming and going. As a “longer” term resident of Tokyo, I’ve come to realize that while I’ve been blessed with knowing more people than I ever would if I’d remained in Singapore, I’ve also said goodbye to many friends, too. People don’t stay here long — anywhere from six months to two years is the average life span of an expat here.
There were times when I did think, “Why the hell do I even bother???” You go through this climb of getting to know somebody, and then just when things are great, they up and leave and they are no longer part of your life. But I think it’s really okay that it’s just the way it is — I feel like I’m living in the present now more than ever. I don’t really expect the friendships I make to travel in a certain direction or path. It may sound cold to some people but it’s really not. I enjoy the company I have now and if they are around five years later — great; if not, c’est la vie and if I needed a couch in Paris or Brisbane or Shanghai, I could ring an old expat friend up and see if I could stay.
Let go of how things were. Your old friendships will change, too. Well at least that happened to me. There’s something about friendship that erodes a little when you don’t see each other on a regular basis. I don’t mean that your loyalty and sincerity will change for the worse; they are still there, but if you are in different locations, your lives will evolve and you are never quite exactly the same person you were, say five years ago. And if you are not changing together in the same place, it’s actually quite jarring to discover the changes when you do meet up after a long period of time.
Friendships are like nurturing a habit and the feeling of solidity comes from regular interaction in person. Yes, I know there is instant messaging and Skype etc. but it’s just different — take it from someone who is an old hand at long distance relationships and friendships. It sounds so bleak: you’re not feeling close to anyone in your current home nor your old one. Therein lies the internal conflict so my advice to you is to just accept it and relish whatever moments you get with any of your friends. It’s so easy to be distracted and let your mind flit to other more seemingly important things when you are with your pals, so stop doing that. I guess this is quite similar to my previous point but a part of the expat experience nonetheless.
Soooooo, that’s my two cents’ on how to go with the flow. If you catch yourself alone at home on a Saturday night, don’t despair. It will get better.
Photo credit: here
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Great advice for sure. I often feel the same way, despite being introverted and really enjoying my own company. People come and go here so quickly and it’s so easy to fall out of touch with people “back home” or around the world at times. I am noticing it more so now with the birth of our baby nearing, and haven’t quite figured out how to cope with it all the time, but the times that people back home show excitement tends to be enough in those moments. Not ideal, but at least it’s something.
By the way, I like the new look!
Hey Ashley, it does sound challenging esp being pregnant because you actually need a great support network as a mum, even if you are a stay-at-home one.
I think knowing people come and go really quickly, I tend to open up a little more faster too because I figured I don’t have anything to lose and it’s better to cut away the wheat from the chaff sooner, y’know?
What a relevant and thought-provoking post. It is one of the hardest things to get used to when moving abroad, I agree.
I’ve learnt to appreciate people for the time we spend with them and that while we might “mourn” a good pal leaving town having made a deep connection with them, I think that life is all about the memories we make along the way.
I have leart to be myself straight off the bat. There really is no time to waste – your wheat from the chaff comment rings so true.
Also expecting a baby in 2 weeks – ah – friendship adventures ahead for sure!
Thanks, I think the topic of expat friendship is just not talked about because it’s too personal and even embarrassing.
Best of luck to ya, Joey! Looking forward to reading more about your adventures as a newbie expat mum in Tokyo
Thanks for sharing. This is definitely a tough subject to address in writing for an audience. Even though many people will strongly relate, those who know you or who are or have been your friends may question what your observations mean about your experience with them as individuals or even question your feelings toward them. At least that’s what’s kept me from writing about it, though I’ve attempted to several times! I think you handled the topic tactfully and honestly. Well done
Yeah, I know what you mean. I was afraid some people might get offended but I don’t think there is any other better way to view transient friendships…. And as for my old pals, change is not a negative thing….it just makes things different
Well put.
There is something freeing about allowing people to flow through your life and enjoying the relationships for what they are, as they emerge in their full cycle of birth, growth, and departure (and sometimes even rebirth).
Having lived in this mode for thirteen years, I find that for me, conventional friendships can be too much sometimes. Fortunately most of my old relationships from back home are morphed into something else now: memories, love and respect rather than the tight bonds they once were.
thought provoking and definitely brings me back to those days when I was all alone in USA for extended periods…
But I definitely agree that you can’t expect the new forged friendships to compare those you have at home…Key is open mind =)
@Tink: gosh yeah! you put it in such a positive way!! freeing is something positive I’ve felt too having been through lots of transient friendships (yay to rebirth too!)… Since I’m on my own a lot more, I somehow don’t have the mental space to spend with friends like I did before, eg frequent catch ups like a few times a week – truely a thing of the past. Perhaps it’s just the way my work and personal life have evolved.
@xuan: yeah I think I’ve become more accepting of other people’s idiosyncrasies too. They are not necessarily deal breakers for me (unless it’s something really extreme like being horribly rude or mean) and would be open to meeting up again.
spot on in this matter! and bonus point for talking about it so eloquently. i’ve come to accept it as well..
but frankly, the friendships lost back home, they get to me sometimes! just sometimes. then i meet new friends (like yourself) and it’s all good again!
@zhing: aw thanks sweetie… i think even if I didn’t move away, my old friendships would’ve changed too… conventional friendships (ie. spending a lot of face time together) somehow can’t stay the same when career/family changes…or rather gets busier.
Hey, yuming. This really is a great post and something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I’m glad there is someone out there in Tokyo that writes about things other than temples and kimonos. Life as a long-term expat outside of the tourist attractions is a topic I’ve seen very little written about. To tell you the truth, I’ve felt lonlier in my internal struggles and confusions of being an expat than I have been with the friend circuit.
Which leads me to the topic of friends. I do have a good amount of them, and most of them are Japanese. When it comes to meeting new friends, though, I can’t help but put a big wall between us at even the mention of my foreignness. “Wow, where are you from?” I hate that. It’s gotten to the point where “Where are you from?” is the equivalent of “What’s your sign?” or something lame like that.
And when it comes to meeting new foreign friends I also run into problems. What do I talk about? Sushi? How long we’ve been in Japan? Why we’re in Japan? These seem like suitable conversation topics, but to tell you the truth these are again questions that I hate and get asked at least 15 times a day. These are questions that if a Japanese person were to ask me right off the bat my mind would switch into idle mode. I imagine it is the same for the other person too. What to do, what to do.
Anyway, great article, and I hope to read some more of your stuff in the future.
Thanks, Ryan! Yeah, I think there should more non-touristy topics on Japan expat blogs… As for internal struggles being an expat, I guess I could relate to feeling very foreign in Japan…I suppose I cope because I switch on my Japan “mode” when I’m with Japanese friends and then I have my gaijin “mode” when hang with them.
Great Post! It can be really confusing to know how to make close friends when getting used to a new culture and etiquette too.
Thank myra….I feel ya… But I think as long as you can laugh about something and be friendly….I think it’s an achievement…cultural differences are truly difficult to navigate but interesting….
Yuming, you are so so so right and put it in such perfect words and concepts that I really felt touched and sensitive after reading your thoughts! I am just going trough all what you have writen and now I feel way more optimistic knowing I am not crazy because how I am feeling as an Expat. Thank you!
Thanks, Augustina, and glad you could relate to what I wrote. At least the expat experience is never humdrum!
Just came across this post now, and it expresses so eloquently all that I have ever felt on the subject. I find it easier now as a grown-up to make friends and adjust my expectations and compartmentalise. It was really tough as a child to completely lose touch with my friends every couple of years. But one of the great joys now is reconnecting with them via Facebook or other means! And although I would love to have some of my really good friends a bit closer geographically, sometimes I wonder if that is not precisely the reason why we have stayed such good friends – because we do not have the time to annoy each other with everyday routine.
That is a v gd pt Sanda…maybe distance does make some friendships thrive….i am beginning to think the closeness that one needs as a child/teenager is too much for when we are adults…