How to deal with negative emotions as a trailing partner part 2

Photo: imeanhoneybee

In my last post on this topic, I talked about how to handle mental frustration and resentment as a trailing partner, so today I will continue to give practical solutions to typical emotions we face as being partners of globe-trotting individuals.

Emotion: Feeling unloved

Your partner is much busier than you or travels a lot for work. The absence can cause your mind to wonder if your lover cares about you because communicating from a distance is tough. I think we all need frequent assurance and if you have a lot of free time, you may start to dwell on these questions, “Does he love me? Why didn’t he call? Why did he sound so impatient/distant/dull/unromantic?”

If you’ve got a good relationship, remind yourself that it is. Your spouse is far away doing his thing and has a million thoughts on his mind which are not about you and that’s okay — he’s got to do his job.

Think about all your good moments and his sweet gestures, so prevent those insecure feelings from bubbling up.

Emotion: Being needy

This is related to the above point and you could possibly be always ringing or texting your lover, but you should stop it because it’s actually destructive behaviour that would put a strain on your relationship.

Your other half just can’t give you the same level of love and attention while bashing through the corporate jungle in another country. The thing about business trips is that you have to work to the max to justify such an expenditure, so it’s unlikely he would be able to be all teddy bear and mush whenever you want.

So agree on a time to talk and don’t contact him in between unless you have something practical or important to address. In the two years of dating long distance, the kangaroo and I had long convos on Saturdays and/or Sundays, but only spoke briefly on Tuesdays and Thursday nights (sort of like “I had a long day, but just called to say goodnight”).

Now, it’s understood we speak once on the weekend and chat online a couple of times during the week.

It’s a way to manage your emotional expectations so you won’t be thinking about calling him all the time — there’s a set time for it, so you can do other stuff with a peace of mind.

Emotion: Feeling unmotivated

Yes, we’ve heard it all — do volunteer work, join a social group, get together with other expats, take up yoga, exercise, call your family and friends when you feel low. All of us have our ways to make our expat experience less lonely and more purposeful, but how do you face the day when you just want to loll about in your pjs?

This post from Zen Habits really helped me out on a morning that I knew I had things to do but I had a headache and generally felt low about myself. I think this lack of motivation comes when you feel like what you need to do to get on with it is just insurmountable. Or what you are doing is not getting you the results you want.

When all your fallbacks don’t work, I suggest looking for inspiration. I just ruffle through my RSS reader or type in my problem in Google and find articles to read. You’ll be amazed to find that you are not that unique and someone else went through the same situation as you or had similar emotions about something.

Emotion: Dwelling on depressing thoughts

This is could be talking about how bad you feel ad nauseum with a girlfriend or just spacing out and feeling sorry for yourself. If you’re guilty of this, realize that it actually makes you feel worse.

There are no easy short cuts to shutting yourself off from nagging thoughts but haul yourself out of it. I’m certainly guilty of this and just the other day I had a long whine to a girlfriend and I honestly felt emotionally weary and found it took me a longer time to pick myself up.

Know that no one else can help you so you’ve got to learn how to soothe your troubled mind. It helps to do something to make yourself feel better, like exercise, physically putting on your shoes and getting some chocolate, listening to music that’s opposite to your mood ( I find this one works all the time for me, as it transforms the atmosphere of your home completely).

Emotion: Being self-destructive.

You drink a lot. Every night. Or you party every day or you keep snacking on Doritos. Or you shop online for lingerie and bags everyday — just so that you can feel a glimmer of joy.

Well, that’s just pointless to me because these things just remind you of all the happiness you seem to lack. Four seconds of “yay”, and you’re not left with anything much but more calories to burn and a credit card that hurts.

Only up till recently, I indulged in a lot of material things that brought me short-term happiness and it took me a while to realize that being happy has a lot to do with yourself and not stuff. It seems like common sense but I think many of us do that. Feel sad? Hit the shops or have very expensive chocolate macaroons or think “I deserve some jewellery today”. You’ll find you won’t feel very satisfied, no matter how much you spend on yourself.

This comes back to having a solid goal, which you need to work towards everyday. I read somewhere that part of the human condition is the need for work, and without it, we don’t feel alive. I’m not saying you need to “work” at a job in the traditional sense, but I think it’s important to find something to do that gives you a sense of purpose in the long run.

For this, sit down and think about it seriously. Surf around for inspiration. It may not come immediately but I think it helps to write down what you want to do now and in the bigger picture. From there, map the ways in which you can achieve those goals.

I decided that I still wanted to write as part of my career so I picked up blogging and gave myself a goal of trying to out-earn my last salary in Singapore by the end of 2009. It sounds a little scary but it is a concrete number for me to work towards so it actually gives me a lot of personal drive — it also makes me think twice before loading up virtual shopping carts or drinking myself silly every night before bed.

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What I’ve found on this path of being a trailing partner is you get to know yourself better and you need to decide if following your partner is suited to your long-term goals. Thinking of the wider picture really helps to manage crippling emotions of being lost, uncertain, and feeling lonely.

The other thing I learned is it’s not possible to have everything you want to go brilliantly well all at the same time (much like being in any other situation in life, really), but it’s important to carve something out for yourself and be happy in your own context.

To read part 1, click here.

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