How to deal with negative emotions as a trailing partner part 1

Photo: idg

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic again because the kangaroo is not around and he’s working very hard overseas.

This year has been a bit different for us as he’s been in Tokyo quite a lot since March. If he did travel, it wasn’t more than a week or two and that was easy to deal with. In fact, I looked forward to having some me-time, but this six-week absence has been somewhat unsettling and challenging. I’ve had to go back to understanding these feelings and re-adjust my state of mind, so while I did that (reading tons is always my solution) I became inspired.

Doing a search on the Internet threw up the usual suspects. There are some expat resources to turn to when you’ve got practical issues to deal with and then there are the horror stories about dealing with divorce in your adopted country (ugh, depressing).

I also came across many articles that talk about the problem of having a lack of identity and grappling with job-hunting issues or assimilating expat kids into their new home or problems with infidelity or you have a human resources type of article that just touches on relocating problems from a clinical perspective.

All nasty stuff of course but I have yet to find one that talks frankly about the spectrum of emotions a trailing partner goes through and what to do about them. Like really dig deep. I think there is a dearth of discussion also because this is a very niche topic.

Part of the experience for me has been quite similar to when I was navigating a long distance relationship with the kangaroo so I will glean some tips from that period in my life, too.

There is a lot I want to cover so I’m splitting this essay in two parts.

Emotion: Resentment

This is an obvious point but you’ve got to watch this one rearing its ugly head even in the best of us. Feelings of getting the raw end of the deal arise when things go wrong for you but always remember that you chose to follow your spouse or partner. Nobody made you do it, so stop acting and feeling like it was the case.

Emotion: Low self-esteem

I would have to mention this and it might’ve sounded like I think it’s an issue that has been rehashed a lot on the Internet. It has but what I want to say is, always feel proud of yourself. Yes, a career can be very fulfilling but your life is not just about making money. If your partner is making enough to support you, you should take the opportunity to explore other areas or possibilities you never thought would be available to you.

For me, I had the luxury of time to learn about the world of blogging and start my own beauty business. Frankly, it cannot support me fully in Tokyo but I have time to nurture this, learn by trial-and-error, and not feel a huge pressure to immediately turn it into a huge enterprise.

At the end of the day, I have a sense of purpose and it helps my self-esteem a lot that I’m making small achievements and my self- confidence goes up.

Emotion: Feelings of uncertainty

This is quite particular to those who move around a lot and if you have a set time in your adopted country you should skip this. If your partner has a regional role, it’s likely that they would be looking to further their career in this capacity moving forward.

This means moving around or having to face changes in the short-term frequently. I think this is different for everyone as it depends on the job your partner has, but it might sound familiar to those who get news over dinner like, “I met XXX from ABC company at a conference and they were really keen to see if I can be swayed to join their New Delhi/Shanghai/San Jose office.” Whether or not your partner actually does accept the job, it’s a possibility of yet another move. Appetite for your lovingly made Thai curry disappears and you mull over your future.

I used to fret for days when the kangaroo presented a possibility of another expat experience. All well and good but I feel like I just dug my heels into this country, so I have to up and leave and do this all over again?

I say, embrace change and don’t jump to conclusions. Unless your spouse tells you that he has signed a contract, just see these murmurings as that.

Emotion: Being jealous and paranoid

I struggled with whether to put this in and decided it’s worth a mention even though there are no real, actionable solutions except that you should learn to trust your partner even if he’s away for long stretches or always entertaining till late in the evenings for work. It’s easy to fall into this trap, especially if your corporate warrior is exhausted from work, and not able to be lovey-dovey to you.

It’s unsettling but you have to know if you are in a good relationship or not — do you have trust and faith? If you think yes, you do, then feel it.

Let me share a quote from Battlestar Galactica, “The thing about trust is, it’s a leap of faith.” You can never know 110 per cent that your lover won’t let you down, but you should give that trust, in order to make things work. You can’t grill him every time both of you are separated — it would make your lover resentful in time and you don’t want that to happen.

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Look out for the next installment, how to deal with negative emotions as a trailing partner part two.

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