I’m not really sure what I did in Boston when we breezed in on the Amtrak from New York the Monday before last.

I had a couple of Japanese lessons on Skype, changed hotels, ordered room service twice, and shopped at Copley Place. It was also too cold to walk around so I literally walked from my hotel through the arcades that connected Prudential and Copley Place which had Sephora and Neiman Marcus.

When people refer to my trip as a holiday, it really doesn’t feel like one and I don’t mean it in a bad way. I’m working less obviously but I’m still blogging at Beauty Box (plus day-to-day business related emails) and continuing my Japanese lessons, so it’s more like I’m living my life but in different cities, if that makes sense. Plus a bit if shopping thrown in, of course…

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The kangaroo brought back two big packs of Korean tea and traditional sweet rice crackers.

This comment couldn’t help escape my lips, “Are you going to give me bad news?”

I know, I’m AWFUL!

But in my defense, the kangaroo never buys back anything from his trips. It’s not that I mind at all because he goes away so frequently that it would be crazy for him to bring back a special gift each and every time. Also, he is such a fanatic about not checking in any luggage when he travels so limited space means no gifts.

And if he’s particularly nice to me, it’s usually because he has to disappear for yet another business trip on top of his planned schedule.

Such a conversation would proceed like this, “Babe, let’s have a nice dinner out, just two of us.” Or it could be a movie and dim sum – my fave combo of all time…

Then at said dinner, he would tell me, “Oh I need to travel to country X before my original date, so I’ll be leaving in two days’ time instead of a week.” Oh ok, thanks for the dim sum.

Anyway, I think he just wanted to be nice and I made up for my remark by eating some of the crackers and exclaiming how yummy they were. And the herbal tea sachets were great, too, especially the ginger and jujube teas.

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One of the things I never fail to do when I’m in NYC is a scenic run through Central Park. I love soaking in the elegant lawns and trees and imagine I’m actually running through countless movies that filmed in this famous location.

It’s been exceptionally sunny in NYC this late winter/early spring. My Uniqlo heat tech tops have absolutely no place in this lovely weather.

On a side note as a trailing spouse, I had a few misgivings on how I would while my days away here as the kangaroo worked feverishly, but I can safely say you can never be bored in NYC! I love the diversity in everything and even relish the not-so-perfect things. I realize I really miss a more Western/cosmopolitan type of culture and society…

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I’m actually in New York and have been for a few days. I don’t really know how to explain why I’m here, except that I slipped on my trailing spouse shoes and hit the yellow brick road with my road warrior kangaroo.

It’s not easy being apart so we are trying a new thing. Wish me luck.

We sometimes talk about moving to this city and it would be a dream though I’m not sure if I’m made for New York. Tokyo is “nice” because people have a polite front, most of the time anyway, and people are really forgiving in terms of social awkwardness. But New York chews you up and spits you out with your head spinning and your bum skidding on the sidewalk.

More reporting will follow soon about my travels here…

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Yep, the kangaroo is away on business, and as usual, he’s gone for five to six weeks. “Don’t you get lonely?” is a question I get asked more often than I’d like to count because it’s uncomfortable admitting something so “weak” but it is a huge problem in the trailing spouse world.

If you’ve got a regular job, this may not be such a big deal, because the key concerns of a trailing partner without a standard 9-to-5 job is the lack of human interaction and self-fulfillment.

I started thinking about this again when I read an article about Naoko Yamazaki, Japan’s first mom to catapult into space. Her training spanned several countries so her husband, Taichi, quit his space controller job to keep the family unit together (they have a daughter). They nearly got a divorce because Taichi was deeply unhappy with his role as a homemaker — even suicidal — compounded by the fact he couldn’t find a job in the US.

Why do some trailing spouses come out like winners and some don’t? Then it hit me: you have to be happy in a supportive role. If this is not your thing, it would never quite work out for you.

Am I happy in a supportive role? Yes and no. I think I’m flexible in terms of work — I don’t have a professional degree (law, medicine, engineering etc.) so I’m up for a career change if necessary. It’s hard, but if I have to do it, I would and I have.

I still grapple with the idea of always being the one having to adapt to changes that were not affected by me but I know that I’m positive and will ride with the wind of change. I’m the type of person who would grumble at the start, but once I start swimming in a new environment, I’ll find a way to be happy.

So how is this related to the title of this post? I’d like to show you how I try to be happy and less lonely in Tokyo. I’ve given tips on how to build self-esteem and how to tackle negative emotions as a trailing partner, so I thought maybe it would be good if you can look at a sample of my day to see how I fill up my time, or more appropriately, how I try to make my life meaningful.

I know everyone is different but perhaps you can glean some tips on how to improve your own routine. As a personal development blog junkie, I actually love to read about how other people live their lives on a daily basis so I can be inspired by how they achieve productivity and purpose.

Here is a snapshot of a typical weekday:

630 – 730am Wake up (I sometimes use the snooze alarm and I don’t always wake up at exactly at the same time everyday)
730am – Small breakfast (a banana with almond butter or a green juice)
8 – 9am Work out (run or DVD cardio or hooping)
9 – 10am Shower and eat second breakfast (large green smoothie or raw cereal)
10 – 1pm Check emails or teach or blog or deal with any work-related issues
1 – 2pm Lunch (this changes and depends on my teaching schedule)
2 – 5pm Beauty Box orders and/or blog or store maintenance or research
5-6 pm Study Japanese (I don’t always do this but I try)
6-830pm Teach
9pm Dinner & wind down with some TV or a book
11pm Bed-time

I’m trying to wake up earlier but I learned that some things just cannot be forced and perhaps I should relish the fact that I’ve got the luxury to rely on my natural bodily rhythms, as compared to someone who has to get up by a certain time to make it into the office by 9am.

If you’re an oft solo trailing spouse like me, the most challenging part of the week is not really from Monday to Friday, but the weekends. In the past, I used to hope that something would come up on Saturday, but in Japan, people don’t really work that way — yes, even gaijins.

I find it more often than not that people in Japan plan their weekends way in advance. Some fix appointments a month out, or at the very least, a few days before it arrives.

After a lot of trial and error, I think what works best for me is to make choices based on a hobby. For me, I love hooping and running so I look for people who are also interested in these things — I would either join a social group or sign up for a class.

I’ll try and catch up with friends, too, who make me laugh and to enjoy the company of others. I’ve fallen into the trap of just holing myself up at home watching DVDs many times because it’s so much easier to do that than to interact with the world. I have a strong feeling many folks do this but they don’t want to admit it.

If I don’t have anyone to hang out with, I’ll go for a run or a walk, clean the house, shop for groceries, and call or write to my family in Singapore. Even if you don’t feel like it, you will still feel better getting active, rather than remaining passive and depressed.

If you’re a trailing spouse, what do you do to keep yourself happily occupied?

Photo credit: here

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The kangaroo is home after a 7-week round the world business trip and when he chills out, he likes putting nice touches to our apartment.

Our wild strawberries were planted the last time he was in town so it was fantastic to see the first little fruit dangling just behind a curtain of leaves.

The garden is pretty crowded with parsley, carrots, lavender, rosemary, beans, mint and flowers but he couldn’t resist getting some hanging plants and tropical-looking husks to nurture them in.

We celebrated his birthday last weekend with about 20 folks at our place, which also explains why we spruced things up a little.

[I’ll blog on his birthday bash soon — once I get my hands on some decent pictures. I had tons of fun but was too busy playing host to take photos.]

While he was at Tokyu Hands, he spotted a lovely red kettle to replace the sad, rusty one we had.

These stools were my doing. I wanted all-white ones and thought I ordered all-white ones, but they came in pink. Yup, another incident of not reading the finer details of Japanese website descriptions.

It’s nice having him back in the apartment and feeling like a normal couple again.

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I don’t have a clear answer to this but I will talk about what to expect if you do tag along with your corporate warrior.

When your partner invites you, it is with all good intentions and he’s likely to be a multi-tasking fiend — business and pleasure all rolled into one.

But, in reality, it’s not possible to spend much time together because he would most probably be working long hours. If you are going to tag along, know that you will be a solo tourist. I blogged about my first and only time I followed the kangaroo on business here — I enjoyed it because I had not been to Seoul or Beijing before but I had a few revelations.

It can be more expensive than you think.
If money is not a problem, you won’t find this point relevant. Unless you can fly on frequent flyer points, being plus one adds up with one more air ticket, room upgrades, and all the expenses you incur while you travel.

For me, it seemed like a “small” getaway, but at the end of the day, it came up to the cost of a full-blown trip. Remember that on business travel, he won’t be staying in some shabby hotel so any additional costs like laundry or an extra breakfast, or room service will be significant. Yes, we were on a long trip so laundry was necessary. Ouch.

He will be tired and stressed.
We thought it would be romantic to be together on a trip. New city, new sights… but the truth was, he was up to his eyeballs in work, meetings, and calls. The kangaroo could not help but be less than enthused for conversation or even dining out. I got the feeling that if I weren’t there, he would order a pizza and work and eat at the same time. I definitely don’t blame him because if I were in his shoes, I would be overwhelmed by this juggling act, too.

We had our evening meal in the hotel almost every night, after which, he would bury himself under more work and calls while I surfed cable TV channels. Rising at the crack of dawn was also common, which helped me get my ass going, too, on a positive note.

I still liked being around him and it’s sort of like that when we are at home, but I’m just saying, it’s not going to be a relaxed, holiday experience for two.

You may have to entertain his clients.
If the kangaroo asks me out to dinner with his business associates, I would say yes but I will be prepared for it not to be 100% “fun”. In such situations, you need to sparkle when spoken to or keep quiet when expected (usually during intense discussions about their business).

Instead of feeling like just an extra on stage, you could “help out” by suggesting restaurants and cocktail bars you will be interested to check out — well, this would only apply if your partner were the organizer. For example, the kangaroo had to entertain a potential client from Hong Kong in Seoul, so it’s quite possible you could lend a hand in some way.

Learning a few local phrases will help show an appreciation for their culture and your travel tales will come in handy when more light-hearted conversation returns to the table.

You will only like it if you love travelling solo.
Give me a Lonely Planet and I’ll be all set. I would advise reading ahead of time so that you can make your trip more enjoyable. The kangaroo encouraged me to visit the DMZ in Seoul and that needed prior booking so I’m glad I did as I was intrigued by what I saw.

I can imagine if you are not one to be alone in a foreign city everyday for a week or two, this type of trip can be less exciting or appealing. Perhaps you could use this as a way to get out of your shell and bring stories back to your partner. There’s always the gym and sauna to rub away any trying days on the road, and also take heart that he will be free on the weekend to play tourist with you.

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To me, following the kangaroo on his business trip beat staying in Tokyo going to Japanese lessons everyday. It’s not an easy time when you are cast adrift between jobs, so if you can grab any opportunity to shake things up, I would encourage you to do so.

Photo: mainemomma2007

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Ever wonder why you are suddenly so needy? It seems to spoil everything — you don’t have a peace of mind and it’s affecting your relationship with your other half.

This is definitely a big issue with those of us who flew to a foreign land without a job or friends, to support our loved one in their career.

Once the novelty of a new place is over, life becomes s-l-o-w and you don’t want to be a tourist anymore and you think, “Dammit, I wish someone would call me for an interview!” You’re bored and you hate not having anything to do from Mon to Fri.

Without an independent income and something “big” to occupy most of your thoughts, you actually start letting the seeds of self-doubt fester in your mind and heart. “Why can’t I get a job?”, “I feel like I have nothing to contribute”, “I don’t have anything interesting to say”, “I’m just a housewife/lady of leisure”, “What if he finds me a drag?” etc.

Stop right there and cancel all your plans for your pity party. After almost three years of being a trailing partner, I’ve come to understand the cogs and wheels of why one could feel lost and have come up with strategies to tackle this major problem that is the root of so many other challenges we face as trailing partners.

Be the party planner. If you are not pulling money into your household, carve a role for yourself as the one who takes care of your leisure time. Plan weekend getaways, or scour listings to see what’s on during the weekend. Try to get to know the city with your partner and the “newness” could even lend a spark to a long-term relationship.

Set up a routine. Not only does routine give you comfort, but it makes you feel like your day has more purpose. You may only have language classes or grocery shopping to do, but have some sort of rhythm to your day so it feels less aimless.

A shapeless schedule honestly contributes to feeling lost and your self-esteem will dip. Don’t be one of those folks who say, “Well, I’ve got nothing to do.” It’s annoying and painful to others when they hear you verbalize this. Think about it: the more you say this, the more you are going to believe you are useless and directionless.

Wake up at a reasonable time. It’s depressing to loll about in bed while the whole world is at work and it’s also hard to feel human in PJs and tousled hair. Get up, shower, make breakfast, read the news, plan your day — just DO, so you won’t have time to mull over feelings of uncertainty.

Be sociable. It’s easy to fall into the trap of waiting for your man to come home from a hectic day at work. Believe you me, the corporate pace in Tokyo is punishing so you will often have a tired and distracted dinner companion — if he comes home to have an evening meal at all. Get out, take a few classes, volunteer, say yes when you are asked out, call home. This is how you make your days more interesting and you have new things to share with your partner when you are together.

Find your inner strength. I’m sure most people would have gone through difficult situations before, so remember that you were able to overcome challenges in the past, which means you can ride out this bumpy part of your life, too.

Pat yourself on the back. You’ll probably be the one navigating all the domestic aspects of your relationship and it’s no small feat in a foreign country. When I was able to speak some Japanese, got understood in whatever bureaucratic situation I had to face, and fixed the problem, I would feel quite chuffed and would tell the kangaroo. You need to feel like you are making some achievement in your life, so revel in these small daily joys.

Exercise often. This is a great one to add to your routine. Working out takes quite a bit of time so if you plan to do something active, even if it’s an hour-long walk, your day goes by faster. More importantly, it stops you from wallowing in depression as exercise raises your serotonin levels which also helps you feel good about yourself. Better health, better sleep, being in shape are undeniable benefits from exercise.

Write a blog. This may not be for everyone but judging the great number of expat blogs out there, this is definitely a popular coping mechanism. It helps you appreciate your new home and writing a post every other day is a good way to fill your schedule.

It’s also kind of like a personal journal where you have an outlet, plus it fulfills a practical need where you don’t need to keep writing the same emails to your loved ones back home — they can just tune in and see what you are up to.

It feels great when people start leaving comments on your blog because you are fulfilling needs of other people. They may use your blog to look for cool places to visit, eat, or shop, or just to see what it’s like to be an expat. You will feel good about yourself as you have some worth to contribute despite the fact you are unemployed. Your motivation to write more will chug faster and you never know who you might meet or what doors your blog will open for you.

Digicam, check. Internet, check. You’re ready to rock.

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It’s been a while since I wrote something on trailing partner/spouse issues and I’m currently in the thick of a long absence from the kangaroo (seven weeks this time), so it’s probably also the time my mind delves into such things.

I’ve said it several times before that one of the things that trailing partners face is the enormous travel their corporate warrior half has to do. Then, that puts you in a long distance type of situation where you probably communicate more through emails, text messages, and Skype, than in person.

A piece of information culled from a survey about long distance relationships is that it doesn’t feel easier over time. I think the anxiety of parting is much more about the impending loneliness and the feeling of abandonment. I want to stress that this is interesting to know and not necessarily bad. It’s just the way it is and there are strategies to remedy the negative factors.

One outcome of this is that such couples spend more money to maintain a “high quality” relationship. If your opportunity cost is that much greater, wouldn’t you “invest” more to keep things afloat when you are together in the same place?

The National Post’s article, Love-cost analysis, posits some realities quite similar to my experience:

The perks are travelling to exotic locations more often and there are fewer fights. In fact, zero fights. But that doesn’t mean all is rosy, it’s just that, if you know your partner is going to leave in a few days’ time, you wouldn’t want to ruin your precious time together. I’m not saying this with any acidic melancholy — it really means your emotional development as a couple is more stunted than those who are together all the time.

I have no real solution or conclusion to that, except that I enjoy picking apart a babbling stream of thoughts and emotions and trying to make sense of it all.

Anyway, you don’t have to splash out to make it super special. I don’t expect lobster and champagne like what the article says. For example, the kangaroo suggested a hike through the Royal National Park the day before we parted in Sydney and it was truly lovely. Though we were terribly hung over from partying hard over the new year, I’m so glad we peeled ourselves off the bed and climbed into our rented car.

He told me stories about camping over illegally with his friends in this park with music and booze and dancing till dawn. His tiny Toyota at the time also suffered a huge dent in its bottom from falling on a huge rock while ramming through the thick bush. He also pointed out the New South Wales official flower (the one that looks like a toilet brush in the picture above). All in all, it was a lovely walk and I got to know a bit more about the kangaroo’s history.

I think quality time is not so much about being romantic, but I felt we had a nice spate of bonding there. Before I knew it, I was on a plane back to Tokyo.

Honestly, I would rather have a few specks of good moments with the kangaroo than a whole series of dull, mundane ones. Oh, we’re going skiing when he comes back in March — there’s nothing more romantic than lots of snow, cozy heated rooms, and private onsens.

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Photo: imeanhoneybee

In my last post on this topic, I talked about how to handle mental frustration and resentment as a trailing partner, so today I will continue to give practical solutions to typical emotions we face as being partners of globe-trotting individuals.

Emotion: Feeling unloved

Your partner is much busier than you or travels a lot for work. The absence can cause your mind to wonder if your lover cares about you because communicating from a distance is tough. I think we all need frequent assurance and if you have a lot of free time, you may start to dwell on these questions, “Does he love me? Why didn’t he call? Why did he sound so impatient/distant/dull/unromantic?”

If you’ve got a good relationship, remind yourself that it is. Your spouse is far away doing his thing and has a million thoughts on his mind which are not about you and that’s okay — he’s got to do his job.

Think about all your good moments and his sweet gestures, so prevent those insecure feelings from bubbling up.

Emotion: Being needy

This is related to the above point and you could possibly be always ringing or texting your lover, but you should stop it because it’s actually destructive behaviour that would put a strain on your relationship.

Your other half just can’t give you the same level of love and attention while bashing through the corporate jungle in another country. The thing about business trips is that you have to work to the max to justify such an expenditure, so it’s unlikely he would be able to be all teddy bear and mush whenever you want.

So agree on a time to talk and don’t contact him in between unless you have something practical or important to address. In the two years of dating long distance, the kangaroo and I had long convos on Saturdays and/or Sundays, but only spoke briefly on Tuesdays and Thursday nights (sort of like “I had a long day, but just called to say goodnight”).

Now, it’s understood we speak once on the weekend and chat online a couple of times during the week.

It’s a way to manage your emotional expectations so you won’t be thinking about calling him all the time — there’s a set time for it, so you can do other stuff with a peace of mind.

Emotion: Feeling unmotivated

Yes, we’ve heard it all — do volunteer work, join a social group, get together with other expats, take up yoga, exercise, call your family and friends when you feel low. All of us have our ways to make our expat experience less lonely and more purposeful, but how do you face the day when you just want to loll about in your pjs?

This post from Zen Habits really helped me out on a morning that I knew I had things to do but I had a headache and generally felt low about myself. I think this lack of motivation comes when you feel like what you need to do to get on with it is just insurmountable. Or what you are doing is not getting you the results you want.

When all your fallbacks don’t work, I suggest looking for inspiration. I just ruffle through my RSS reader or type in my problem in Google and find articles to read. You’ll be amazed to find that you are not that unique and someone else went through the same situation as you or had similar emotions about something.

Emotion: Dwelling on depressing thoughts

This is could be talking about how bad you feel ad nauseum with a girlfriend or just spacing out and feeling sorry for yourself. If you’re guilty of this, realize that it actually makes you feel worse.

There are no easy short cuts to shutting yourself off from nagging thoughts but haul yourself out of it. I’m certainly guilty of this and just the other day I had a long whine to a girlfriend and I honestly felt emotionally weary and found it took me a longer time to pick myself up.

Know that no one else can help you so you’ve got to learn how to soothe your troubled mind. It helps to do something to make yourself feel better, like exercise, physically putting on your shoes and getting some chocolate, listening to music that’s opposite to your mood ( I find this one works all the time for me, as it transforms the atmosphere of your home completely).

Emotion: Being self-destructive.

You drink a lot. Every night. Or you party every day or you keep snacking on Doritos. Or you shop online for lingerie and bags everyday — just so that you can feel a glimmer of joy.

Well, that’s just pointless to me because these things just remind you of all the happiness you seem to lack. Four seconds of “yay”, and you’re not left with anything much but more calories to burn and a credit card that hurts.

Only up till recently, I indulged in a lot of material things that brought me short-term happiness and it took me a while to realize that being happy has a lot to do with yourself and not stuff. It seems like common sense but I think many of us do that. Feel sad? Hit the shops or have very expensive chocolate macaroons or think “I deserve some jewellery today”. You’ll find you won’t feel very satisfied, no matter how much you spend on yourself.

This comes back to having a solid goal, which you need to work towards everyday. I read somewhere that part of the human condition is the need for work, and without it, we don’t feel alive. I’m not saying you need to “work” at a job in the traditional sense, but I think it’s important to find something to do that gives you a sense of purpose in the long run.

For this, sit down and think about it seriously. Surf around for inspiration. It may not come immediately but I think it helps to write down what you want to do now and in the bigger picture. From there, map the ways in which you can achieve those goals.

I decided that I still wanted to write as part of my career so I picked up blogging and gave myself a goal of trying to out-earn my last salary in Singapore by the end of 2009. It sounds a little scary but it is a concrete number for me to work towards so it actually gives me a lot of personal drive — it also makes me think twice before loading up virtual shopping carts or drinking myself silly every night before bed.

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What I’ve found on this path of being a trailing partner is you get to know yourself better and you need to decide if following your partner is suited to your long-term goals. Thinking of the wider picture really helps to manage crippling emotions of being lost, uncertain, and feeling lonely.

The other thing I learned is it’s not possible to have everything you want to go brilliantly well all at the same time (much like being in any other situation in life, really), but it’s important to carve something out for yourself and be happy in your own context.

To read part 1, click here.

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