Lioness in Japan

Yep, the kangaroo is away on business, and as usual, he’s gone for five to six weeks. “Don’t you get lonely?” is a question I get asked more often than I’d like to count because it’s uncomfortable admitting something so “weak” but it is a huge problem in the trailing spouse world.

If you’ve got a regular job, this may not be such a big deal, because the key concerns of a trailing partner without a standard 9-to-5 job is the lack of human interaction and self-fulfillment.

I started thinking about this again when I read an article about Naoko Yamazaki, Japan’s first mom to catapult into space. Her training spanned several countries so her husband, Taichi, quit his space controller job to keep the family unit together (they have a daughter). They nearly got a divorce because Taichi was deeply unhappy with his role as a homemaker — even suicidal — compounded by the fact he couldn’t find a job in the US.

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The kangaroo is home after a 7-week round the world business trip and when he chills out, he likes putting nice touches to our apartment.

Our wild strawberries were planted the last time he was in town so it was fantastic to see the first little fruit dangling just behind a curtain of leaves.

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I don’t have a clear answer to this but I will talk about what to expect if you do tag along with your corporate warrior.

When your partner invites you, it is with all good intentions and he’s likely to be a multi-tasking fiend — business and pleasure all rolled into one.

But, in reality, it’s not possible to spend much time together because he would most probably be working long hours. If you are going to tag along, know that you will be a solo tourist. I blogged about my first and only time I followed the kangaroo on business here — I enjoyed it because I had not been to Seoul or Beijing before but I had a few revelations.

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Ever wonder why you are suddenly so needy? It seems to spoil everything — you don’t have a peace of mind and it’s affecting your relationship with your other half.

This is definitely a big issue with those of us who flew to a foreign land without a job or friends, to support our loved one in their career.

Once the novelty of a new place is over, life becomes s-l-o-w and you don’t want to be a tourist anymore and you think, “Dammit, I wish someone would call me for an interview!” You’re bored and you hate not having anything to do from Mon to Fri.

Without an independent income and something “big” to occupy most of your thoughts, you actually start letting the seeds of self-doubt fester in your mind and heart. “Why can’t I get a job?”, “I feel like I have nothing to contribute”, “I don’t have anything interesting to say”, “I’m just a housewife/lady of leisure”, “What if he finds me a drag?” etc.

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It’s been a while since I wrote something on trailing partner/spouse issues and I’m currently in the thick of a long absence from the kangaroo (seven weeks this time), so it’s probably also the time my mind delves into such things.

I’ve said it several times before that one of the things that trailing partners face is the enormous travel their corporate warrior half has to do. Then, that puts you in a long distance type of situation where you probably communicate more through emails, text messages, and Skype, than in person.

A piece of information culled from a survey about long distance relationships is that it doesn’t feel easier over time. I think the anxiety of parting is much more about the impending loneliness and the feeling of abandonment. I want to stress that this is interesting to know and not necessarily bad. It’s just the way it is and there are strategies to remedy the negative factors.

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Photo: imeanhoneybee

In my last post on this topic, I talked about how to handle mental frustration and resentment as a trailing partner, so today I will continue to give practical solutions to typical emotions we face as being partners of globe-trotting individuals.

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Photo: idg

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic again because the kangaroo is not around and he’s working very hard overseas.

This year has been a bit different for us as he’s been in Tokyo quite a lot since March. If he did travel, it wasn’t more than a week or two and that was easy to deal with. In fact, I looked forward to having some me-time, but this six-week absence has been somewhat unsettling and challenging. I’ve had to go back to understanding these feelings and re-adjust my state of mind, so while I did that (reading tons is always my solution) I became inspired.

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…Hokkairo (heat pads or pocket warmers) comes to the rescue as winter is creeping into Tokyo.

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Since I lost all my photos in the big iBook crash, I couldn’t blog about certain events. But a few days ago, a friend emailed me her photo album on Picasa, so here I am, sharing pretty pictures of my last snowboarding trip of the winter season.

A gal pal invited me to her company’s ski trip in late March. They got a massive discount on accommodation and free lessons thrown in, so I couldn’t resist. Her group of colleagues was fun and easy going. Everything was well organised and all we did was tear down the slopes, eat, drink, played silly games and dipped into the onsen twice a day. ‘Twas bliss…

Meanwhile, the kangaroo was back in Tokyo lugging our things from the old apartment to the new. My friends teased me for abusing my boyfriend, but really, our lives are so spontaneous schedule-wise, that stuff like this happens sometimes. His business trips are unpredictable and I make plans regardless whether he would be in town or not. As an aside, this is one way I survive as a trailing partner. If I waited for the kangaroo to tell me when he would be passing through town, I wouldn’t make any friends nor go on many outings. My advice is: make plans as if you were a single gal. If he can fit into your plans, cool, if not, you can hang out as a couple another time.

Back to my awesome trip…

We stayed at New Greenpia Tsunan Ski Resort in Niigata, which was about an hour away on the shinkansen, plus an additional hour’s bus ride from the station. It’s a big family hotel, but for the reasonable fee, who cares?

I love snowboarding but I am not good at it. This is me struggling to get up to pose for a photo but I couldn’t stand upright on this down slope.

The view was amazing. It makes all the tumbling and aching muscles worth it.

On breaks, I would just sit on the snow in the sun and gaze at the mountains and trees.

One new thing about Japanese culture I learned is they are absolutely into taking lessons. The Japanese believe in structured classes where they will practice till they get it right. Since this was a company trip, we had to participate because attendance was taken. It was particularly challenging for me as the lessons were all in Japanese.

If you’ve got time to kill, stop by the sake museum at Yuzawa station. For a small fee (probably less than 1,000JPY), you can try five different cups of sake. How it works is they have a huge selection of sake along a wall where the rice wine is dispensed into your tiny cup. I tried anything where I could recognize the kanji — from dragons to flowers to red monkeys, I sipped my way to a giggly, tipsy state.

I’m quite a loner most times, and if I do travel, it’s always with the kangaroo, so this group experience was refreshing. Anyway I hope the pictures will encourage you to try out Japanese ski slopes — they are just breathtaking.

The Japanese celebrate V-day (what Singaporeans call Valentine’s Day) with the women giving the men in their lives chocolate — from their hubbies to their bosses.

This is our second V-day in Tokyo. Let me recall the first: we just planned to meet back at the shoebox in the evening and the kangaroo suggested a tapas place nearby. The waiter put us way in the back room that looked like a sorry medieval dining room — replete with red and bronze print tablecloths and severe candlestick holders. Bizarre European shite in the middle of Tokyo. We were both tired and stressed — he about work and me about moving countries.

So this year wasn’t toooo different. Though we planned to meet at home and then head out, I thought I should take some initiative: I bought him Godiva chocolates (they are more expensive on the actual day — much like roses in Singapore) and booked a place at another tapas bar that seemed warmer and cosier.

Turned out the kangaroo’s business meeting ran late — usually they have a formal meeting end of the work day and then go for after-work beers but these guys were hungry and ordered food, too. Derek was antsing away and apologised for rushing off from the biru (beer) time. He asked, “Are you doing anything with your wives?” They said, “We’re going back to the office.” I cracked up when I heard it.

His colleague, a Japanese girl who has an Aussie boyfriend, feigned sickness to get out of the informal dinner and drinks — which is so Japanese because I think she didn’t want to look unprofessional and declare she had a date, and not a fever.

It was lovely nibbling on mushies, mussels, shrimp and bread drenched in olive oil and parsley, with sips of red wine in between. Then we held hands all the way back to the shoebox.

My gfs are all anti-V-day and I feel a little embarrassed to like this experience. But hey, if it’s an excuse to dine like a princess with nice wine — why the hell not?