8 Ways to build self-esteem as a trailing partner
Ever wonder why you are suddenly so needy? It seems to spoil everything — you don’t have a peace of mind and it’s affecting your relationship with your other half.
This is definitely a big issue with those of us who flew to a foreign land without a job or friends, to support our loved one in their career.
Once the novelty of a new place is over, life becomes s-l-o-w and you don’t want to be a tourist anymore and you think, “Dammit, I wish someone would call me for an interview!” You’re bored and you hate not having anything to do from Mon to Fri.
Without an independent income and something “big” to occupy most of your thoughts, you actually start letting the seeds of self-doubt fester in your mind and heart. “Why can’t I get a job?”, “I feel like I have nothing to contribute”, “I don’t have anything interesting to say”, “I’m just a housewife/lady of leisure”, “What if he finds me a drag?” etc.
Stop right there and cancel all your plans for your pity party. After almost three years of being a trailing partner, I’ve come to understand the cogs and wheels of why one could feel lost and have come up with strategies to tackle this major problem that is the root of so many other challenges we face as trailing partners.
Be the party planner. If you are not pulling money into your household, carve a role for yourself as the one who takes care of your leisure time. Plan weekend getaways, or scour listings to see what’s on during the weekend. Try to get to know the city with your partner and the “newness” could even lend a spark to a long-term relationship.
Set up a routine. Not only does routine give you comfort, but it makes you feel like your day has more purpose. You may only have language classes or grocery shopping to do, but have some sort of rhythm to your day so it feels less aimless.
A shapeless schedule honestly contributes to feeling lost and your self-esteem will dip. Don’t be one of those folks who say, “Well, I’ve got nothing to do.” It’s annoying and painful to others when they hear you verbalize this. Think about it: the more you say this, the more you are going to believe you are useless and directionless.
Wake up at a reasonable time. It’s depressing to loll about in bed while the whole world is at work and it’s also hard to feel human in PJs and tousled hair. Get up, shower, make breakfast, read the news, plan your day — just DO, so you won’t have time to mull over feelings of uncertainty.
Be sociable. It’s easy to fall into the trap of waiting for your man to come home from a hectic day at work. Believe you me, the corporate pace in Tokyo is punishing so you will often have a tired and distracted dinner companion — if he comes home to have an evening meal at all. Get out, take a few classes, volunteer, say yes when you are asked out, call home. This is how you make your days more interesting and you have new things to share with your partner when you are together.
Find your inner strength. I’m sure most people would have gone through difficult situations before, so remember that you were able to overcome challenges in the past, which means you can ride out this bumpy part of your life, too.
Pat yourself on the back. You’ll probably be the one navigating all the domestic aspects of your relationship and it’s no small feat in a foreign country. When I was able to speak some Japanese, got understood in whatever bureaucratic situation I had to face, and fixed the problem, I would feel quite chuffed and would tell the kangaroo. You need to feel like you are making some achievement in your life, so revel in these small daily joys.
Exercise often. This is a great one to add to your routine. Working out takes quite a bit of time so if you plan to do something active, even if it’s an hour-long walk, your day goes by faster. More importantly, it stops you from wallowing in depression as exercise raises your serotonin levels which also helps you feel good about yourself. Better health, better sleep, being in shape are undeniable benefits from exercise.
Write a blog. This may not be for everyone but judging the great number of expat blogs out there, this is definitely a popular coping mechanism. It helps you appreciate your new home and writing a post every other day is a good way to fill your schedule.
It’s also kind of like a personal journal where you have an outlet, plus it fulfills a practical need where you don’t need to keep writing the same emails to your loved ones back home — they can just tune in and see what you are up to.
It feels great when people start leaving comments on your blog because you are fulfilling needs of other people. They may use your blog to look for cool places to visit, eat, or shop, or just to see what it’s like to be an expat. You will feel good about yourself as you have some worth to contribute despite the fact you are unemployed. Your motivation to write more will chug faster and you never know who you might meet or what doors your blog will open for you.
Digicam, check. Internet, check. You’re ready to rock.
Related posts:
- What do I do as a trailing partner flying solo?
- How to deal with negative emotions as a trailing partner part 2
- How to deal with negative emotions as a trailing partner part 1
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